I’m writing to you at 4:16 AM. Over the summer, I can never sleep. Any tips on how to fall asleep faster, and stay asleep longer?
Need 4 ZZZs
Dear Need 4 ZZZs,
Sleep has been a long-time enemy of mine. I always seem to have hyper-realistic dreams that leave me waking up confused, like, “Have giant mosquitos really taken over America?”
I hate the hours of laying in bed, awake, thinking about that one time I pretended to be drunk off a Shirley Temple in 8th grade. And having to wash sheets? Forget about it. But unfortunately, until Red Bull is injectable, sleep is gonna be a part of all our lives, so let’s get through it together.
Tip #1: Stay away from (interesting things on) your phone
I know the big sleep lobby loves to say “Don’t go on your phone for an hour before bed,” but that simply isn’t realistic for these trying times. I sleep next to my phone every night, with only mild fear it will overheat and set my bed on fire.
I’ve found that if I’m watching any shows that are too interesting, I’ll be one more episode-ing until the morning. So if you’re like me, and need to be stimulated until sleep to prevent any embarrassing thoughts from surfacing, you have to watch something boring. My suggestions? Audiobooks of anything you were forced to read for school, Youtube videos of local government town halls, bonus if you record your worst lecture to play at night.
Tip #2: Be ‘active’ before bed
Sure, running a mile, doing some jumping jacks, and all that will make your body tired, but that’s not necessarily the activity I’m talking about. A study shows that 65% of participants who masturbated before bed had better sleep quality. And, even without climaxing, participants were in a more relaxed state and were able to fall asleep faster. Now I don’t want to encourage masturbation in my column- wait, I do. And who am I to go against science?
Tip #3: Invest in your bed, you lonely fuck
I believe that humans are meant to sleep two to a bed. I know it’s nice to not get dutch-ovened by your S.O. every night, but it’s just the way we’ve evolved. Until you get a warm body of your own, we have the technology to pay your way in. This can mean buying one of those weighted blankets to stimulate actually having another person’s weight on you, or even a body pillow to stimulate having someone to spoon with. I wouldn’t recommend one of those human-like robots, in case they gain consciousness, but if you got the cash, go for it.