Behind the Scenes of Ba Dum Tess: Episode Zero

Welcome to a written podcast (aka series of articles) that I’m calling Behind the Scenes of Ba Dum Tes (aka BTS of BDT).

Though it makes logical sense to begin here, I hesitate to expose episode one. It went through so many phases. As a matter of fact, the episode one that you know and love (Ghosts) was originally going to be epsiode two. 

Our first episode, episode zero as we have come to call it, was going to be about “Medieval Foods.”

Well, as it happens, I had very little to say about… that.

Now I feel like we probably could’ve made the episode work. However, in the first episode, I felt like I was walking on a two millimeter ledge made of spikes, on the side of a cliff, in 8-inch stilettos. Not to be dramatic.

So we recorded a whole bunch of stuff and then decided to scrap it and launch our original second episode as episode one. This is probably a good time to publically apologize to Em–whom you meet in episode 5, Conventions, and with whom we had in three different recording sessions.

Medieval Food is a solid topic: let it be known. The team and I went into research mode, diving down the deepest crevices of the internet in search of information on the culinary cultures of our Dark Age ancestors. We found the cookbooks, the spices, the meats (there were a lot of meats), and we wrote a ton of little jokes.

In lieu of the actual episode, I present to you some of the best jokes written by comedy superstar Kristina Feliciano (ever heard of her?) on the subject.

  • Did you know that beans practically saved the lower class? Partially because they discovered they can survive off of the protein in beans, and partially because Beans are an aphrodisiac. 
  • Yeah, once beans came on the scene men were like, full for the first time. And also like cat-calling probably started. “Ey girlie, your ankle is so out! Must be chilly! Wanna warm your hands by this fire?” And then they gesture to their pet dragon.
    • ALT: “Ey girlie, your ankle so cute! You been by any romantic streams lately? Wanna go find one?”

So it was good stuff. That should be very clear by now.

But, if there’s one thing about me, it’s that I change my mind basically all the time and always really quickly. And before you ask, yeah, it’s been a problem.

If there are two things about me, it’s that I do improv. Maybe a script of jokes was not the route for this podcast. Also, maybe we found that podcasts are more conversational anyway. Trina and I have a natural repertoire (big brag), that is to say, we are capable of having a conversation each week, for which I am very grateful. 

When I think about Medieval (which I never have been able to spell correctly on the first go) foods, I think of a chicken leg… and that is pretty much it.

It’s depicted most beautifully in the 2012 Pixar animated hit film, “Brave.” Yeah, sure, I don’t actually know what time period that movie is about… Regardless, the food in that movie is really beautiful and shows a much broader range of dishes; cakes, stews, lots of fish etc. So I really wanted to just do a “Brave” episode of the pod, but I think that requires licensing and all this corporate stuff that I can’t begin to dive into here and now, nor later and elsewhere.

I think if you’re gonna make a podcast, my number one piece of advice (besides not living underneath a train) would be to let go of your self-judgment. It’s very easy to slip into the mindset of “what do I have to say that’s of any importance whatsoever and why would someone ever want to listen to my stupid vocal fry voice talk about anything ever.” But GOLD is all about squashing those inner thoughts that hold us back. I’ve come to realize that, you know–at the end of the day–I’m not for everyone, but I am surely for someone. Plus all my family members are required to listen since we share blood. Isn’t that nice? 

I let go of all my inhibitions and felt the rain on my skin. I mean…Okay, it took a lot more time than that, but I did find it easier and easier to plop myself in my closet and make conversation because my rude inner monologue was less active. (Wow, what a sentence that was?!)

Even though medieval foods never made it to the silver screens, (Spotify, Apple, and wherever you get your podcasts) I am eternally grateful to have it as a very tangible lesson in patience and practice. Plus, I now know forever that almond milk was already being used in The Medieval Times, and didn’t even cost 75 extra cents. And that is pretty powerful stuff.

While Episode Zero doesn’t exist, you can catch up on the pod before the next “article” in this “series” comes out. Find it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your precious pods.