I want to start working out, but don’t really know how to go about doing it. I don’t want to spend the money for a gym membership just to be stared down by Gym Bros, but also running is something I only do when I’m being chased. Any tips on how to start my fitness journey?
The New Workout Plan
Dear The New Workout Plan,
Grab your protein shake, it’s time to get swole. Now I’m not gonna talk your ear off with things like ‘bulking’ ‘cutting’ and ‘macros,’ (YAWN) but I do understand the desire to move around without making yourself insane, image obsessed or too sore. Until the city of New York approves my concept for adults only playground hours, we’ll have to find other ways to get some hours of action into our days. So here are my tips for working out without wearing down:
Before you begin….
One of the most important parts of working out for me is getting in the mental state/ proper outfit. I don’t mean throwing a bunch of glamorized crack in a water bottle and calling it “pre-workout.” In order for me to get a good workout in, I need to be dressed for the part. For me that often means pigtails, layered 80s style tank tops and some form of pulled up socks. Basically dress like you’re about to be in a TV show about working out and you’re auctioning for Fitness girl #4. As far as the mindset goes, I like to re-read texts from my exes. I don’t recommend this, but you’ll definitely be building some aggression to get out.
Running sucks. Like royally royally sucks and anyone who says they enjoy running is either an alien or annoying. But if you don’t want to spend the ever increasing price of a gym membership (more on this later) it can be a good way to workout, clear your mind and see the sights. If I had it my way, I would have an army of rabid clowns chasing me down Riverside in order to keep my pace going, but unfortunately those services do not exist yet. I discovered this app called Zombies Run, which is F R E E, in which they will play zombie groaning noises in your ear at scary accuracy when you begin to slow down. This might not be for everyone, but I will say it has gotten me to run further than I ever expected my body to go, and I love to roleplay.
Taking an anti-torture stance
Working out should be fun. Yes sometimes fun for me is a masochistic journey on the Stairmaster, but it’s hard to have any sort of consistency if you’re hating every second. So maybe instead of biking, you’ll ride someone instead. Men do burn more calories than women during sex, and I just hate any kind of inequality. Other fun ways to break a sweat include walking to a podcast/ audiobook while exploring a new neighborhood, pogo stick or dancing in the club till 4 am. Here at GOLD, we take the very controversial anti-torture stance.
Now go forth and sweat!