I love my boyfriend so much.
We’ve been dating for about a month and it’s the best relationship of my life. He’s super cute, has an amazing personality, and really cares about me.
There’s only one problem. He can’t keep it up during sex.
I said something about this early on and it’s really gotten to his head, to the point where he puts too much pressure on himself. Any tips?
Dear Hard Problem,
This is a hard one, but don’t fear.
First, let’s talk medical for a sec. I just have to grab my doctor’s coat.
…OK, the coat is on. Picture the coat. If your man is having actual medical issues, I might not be so helpful. If this was an issue before he met you, if he drinks a lot, or if he’s is on antidepressants–maybe just suggest he sees his a dick doctor. It could definitely be an awkward conversation, but also not uncommon. Until I go to medical school, this is probably the best advice I can give.
However, if it’s more of a psychological issue, I could be more of a service. (Currently switching my white coat for a cardigan, notepad, and couch. Picture the cardigan, notepad, and couch.)
A lot of penis-related sex does revolve around the penis, so I understand why this is such a big issue in your relationship. Sex is an awesome expression of love. But, if you’re not getting your needs fulfilled in that way, especially when your person is fulfilling all of your other needs, it can be super frustrating.
I’m gonna start by saying that this is not a reason for a breakup but will take some effort to fix. Also as easy as it is to do so, don’t blame yourself. You’re hot as fuck. It can’t go unsaid.
Luckily for us (humans), sex, pleasure, and intimacy are so much more than just penis. I’d start by trying to reframe, in both of your minds, what sex can be. This can be a great opportunity for your boy to focus on YOUR pleasure. We live in a world where a lot of the focus is on guys getting off. Why not take this as an opportunity to reverse the roles (you’re welcome)?
A lot of the time, when it’s more of a mental block, guys can get in their heads. Like, I’m pretty sure guys think of their grandma if they get hard in class to calm it down. This is definitely a thing, right? Getting hard is just as mental as it is physical.
Reassure him that you can still enjoy other elements of sex, as well as your time with him, without that one element. Don’t get mad or frustrated if it does happen right away. You can always attempt to take a break and cuddle or watch some TV instead. Sex should become something fun again! Reinvent your routine to avoid of a pressure-filled situation. This might take some time depending on how long this problem has been going on.
I hope this was helpful, and I know this is an awkward and sometimes shameful conversation. Hopefully, this normalized things a little and you can be getting it on soon.