It’s almost Christmas time and I have no clue what to get the people in my life. Not even my parents, friends, or the guy I just started seeing. What the hell do I give them??
Dear Nice List,
I swear gift-giving is one of the weirdest things. If you’re like me, you’ve been making your Hannukah list since last December to make it easy on my friends and family. Also, I just love THINGS and will accept any form of material affection.
But, I guess for other people it can be difficult. So here’s my holiday gift guide for the impossible giftees.
I find parents to be THE hardest to gift for. How am I supposed to express gratitude for life in some trinket??
I know until the day I can give them grandchildren (which will not be for a while) there must be alternate solutions.
If you have siblings, get them together and take a NICE (aka no secret middle fingers) photo. Put it in an expensive frame and split the cost with the other sibs. Your mom will actually lose her mind that you guys were able to settle differences for one, now forever recorded, period of time.
For your dad, gift him sitting through something. Pick any of the things you don’t like but know he does: a sports game, a rock concert, a trip to home depot. Ya’ know…or just buy him a hammer, he deserves it.
Friends are a little easier but I still have some suggestions. The best gifts a friend ever gave me were two books she thought I would like with a note written on the inside cover. This is the perfect gift and I will not be taking further questions.
I think friend gifts are all about personalization. Your homies are special and now you can show them! If you’re crafty, try embroidering a hoodie or drawing a picture of you guys for their wall. If you’re not crafty, a nice bottle of tequila goes a long way for college students. (And an advent calendar with nips goes even further!)
Your new guy.
OK, this is the Olympics of gift-giving.
What do you give the guy you just started seeing, too close to Xmas time. If this is more of a ~sexual~ relationship, I swear by the nude polaroid. If you’re fancy, take a vintage playboy and rip out the centerfold to replace it with a hot pic of you.
The new man gift is not a big gesture, but more of an acknowledgment that “Yeah, you’re gonna miss me when this is over.”
Make them some cookies if, unlike me, you can actually bake. Get them a record if they’re an indie boy or a VHS tape if they’re really indie. Don’t spend more than 20 dollars because is any man worth more than that?
So that’s my list and I’ve checked it twice. If you guys want a part two next week let me know, gift-giving IS my love language.