Flirt techniques from your socially awkward friend
Are you flummoxed by social niceties? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Tip #1: Drop your phone into his drink
Pretend you are taking a selfie that requires you to stick your arm into a handsome fella’s personal space. While there, ploink your phone right into his artisan cocktail. Now you have an amusing ice-breaker, plus you can ask him to google up “dropped phone into cocktail” for what to do next, which will keep you conversing all night long.
Why It Works: It doesn’t. Sorry. This ended up being so embarrassing, and to make it worse, he was completely married AND asked for my number, and I couldn’t even give it to him because, I mean, no phone, right? God.
Tip #2: Surprise him by turning up in his bed
While your crush is having a nice nap, slip into bed beside him and snuggle up. When he unconsciously pulls you close, scoot your head right onto his shoulder and whisper into his ear, “You’d better be dreaming of me, or you’re in so much deep shit right now.”
Why It Works: Wait. I forgot. This only works if you’re volunteering at an old-age home or something, and really, it’s probably a bad idea. Anyway, never mind. La la!
Tip #3: Go to a baseball game wearing the opposing team’s jersey
A great way to meet guys is to wear something eye-catching that will get their attention and act as a conversation starter. Where are the guys? At the ballpark, of course. And what’ll really make their heads turn? Why, of course, a fan of the team their life-long favorite is locked in combat with – particularly if that other team is winning!
Why It Works: Honestly? This will get tons of attention, but um – it’s not really – it doesn’t convert? You know what I mean? Into, like, actually meeting someone nice? You mostly just learn really creative new swear words. Which is not nothing, by the way. Everyone needs to freshen up their cuss-factory now and then.
Tip #4: Disagree strongly with everything he says
You know what men really love? A challenge. You know what arouses their passions? Arguments. And you know what aroused passions lead to? Angry hate-sex. So go ahead! Walk into that urban-chicken-farming workshop, sit next to the highest man-bun you can find, and chatter incessantly about your friend who works at Monsanto and says it’s really not all that bad!
Why It Works: I read this in a women’s magazine, and I have no idea who writes that horse-shit, but it’s not women who want to meet men, let me tell you that. God. Ugh. I wish I had a forgettoblaster.
Tip #5: Mirror his movements
Psychologists have shown that when we subtly imitate someone’s movements, they get a deeply comforting subconscious sense that they are understood by someone totally on their wavelength. The trouble is, men have a weird thing where they don’t notice a lot of stuff, so what you think is subtle might be completely lost on them. So really go for it: he reaches for a pencil, you reach for a pencil. He clears his throat, you clear your throat. He subtly re-adjusts his junk inside his khakis, you do that too. By the end of that big company meeting, he’ll be following you to the staff kitchen and asking if you want the last bit of coffee before he makes a fresh pot!
Why It Works: Remember when I told you I got laid off? I didn’t get laid off. I got fired and slapped with a restraining order. Anyway, don’t try this.
Tip #6: Have something stuck in your teeth
A really great way to get someone to notice you is to have something gross half-sticking out of your mouth, to such an egregious degree that he really can’t help but say something to you, especially since you’re up close and in his face during your convo. The payoff here comes from the fact that you’re signaling him sexually – mouths are for kissing, after all – and simultaneously activating his caregiving instincts. Fun!
Why It Works: Yeah, I don’t know either. All I can say is that it made sense at the time.
Tip #7: Secretly meet him online when really you are business rivals and watch the sparks fly
This one really works best if you are Meg Ryan, though. Are you Meg Ryan? Or like maybe also Catherine Heigl. Otherwise, hm.
Why It Works: Can we just have Girls’ Night Out with no flirting? And also no “out?” I will literally pay for the entire pizza if you just come over with a six-pack of Mike’s and neither of us talks about dudes and we can watch Top of the Lake from the beginning. Right?
