Your couples’ costume will cause the apocalypse
It’s Halloween night, you’re out having fun, drinking cider, dispensing candy to strange children, and causing the end of the world.
Quit handing out nerd clusters! You’re meant to be repelling the legions of the dead back into the afterworld.
There is ONE NIGHT where the border between this world and the next is but a veil, and the spirits of those who went before us are tearing at the shroud trying to invade this mortal coil and party like it’s 1999. It is our job to embody a horrifying, dystopian earth so the ghouls are driven back into the perceived safety of their purgatory.
And you’re wearing a sexy candy corn outfit? Soldier, do you think that’s going to scare a 14th century serial killer back into limbo?
We are the armies, we are the bastions, we are the final frontier between terra firma and paranormal chaos. Ghosts are toeing the line, nudging it with their foot or their croc or whatever they were wearing when they popped their clogs.
Boils. Fangs. Putrefying flesh. We need amaranthine instigators of fear. Your ketchup and mustard couples costume might cringe a couple of ghosts back into their apartments but it won’t stop Charles Manson from doing a comeback tour in California.
You’re worried about immigration? You need to be thinking about materialization. Remember the apparition annexation of 1984? They had to call in Bill Murray. He’s old now. And he completely fucked up New York, do you know how many historic buildings we lost? We can’t afford that again. If you insist upon treating Halloween like a friendly holiday where women dress up like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and men dress up like the bare minimum, we’re not just going to lose the battle, we are going to lose the whole war.
You think our current events are natural occurrences? It’s ghouls. Years of shoddy vigilance has allowed malevolent spirits to pervade the mortal realm and now they’re all in the republican party.
One night. One mission.
Pestilence. Plague. Madness. Disease.
Hold the line.
Defend the earth.
