Yellowjackets made me horny for plane crashes
There’s nothing sexier than being stranded in the woods with a bunch of teen girls off their meds, mass casualties, and one viable guy to boink. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself lost in a frozen tundra for nineteen months, here are a few things you can do in order to make your experience unforgettable. It’ll get so freaky that you’ll never want to tell a soul.
Find Your Summer Fling
Look around and decide – is he sexy, or is he just… there?
It’s amazing how much hotter a man can get if there are no other men around.
How about that one guy with the messed-up leg? There’s a rumor he’s into men, but don’t worry, I’m sure that’s wrong. I don’t think that “gay” exists yet, or at least not…here? You can change him, anyway. Fix him. You can fix them all.
The other guy, he’s a bit too young for you. You like ‘em older and with authority. Plus, some other chick has claimed him, and it’s never polite to go after another woman’s man, especially if she’s got a gun and is batshit crazy. But you’re not crazy. You’ve got it all under control.
Free Your Mind
It’s time for freedom from Big Pharma.
Once that prescription runs out, you can experience your true psychosis in all its glory. Form a tribe, become a leader, wear that decomposing elk skull on your head like a goddamn crown and call the shots. The voices in your head say you run the show, so listen to them.
They’re always right.
Always.
Are those visions of the future, or a mirage? No matter which, those human remains strapped to a chair in the attic of your abandoned cabin remind you that life is short, so let’s have fun with it!
Take an ax to your lover’s leg so he can never leave you. I mean, survive. Poison your besties. Accidentally of course. Destroy the only means necessary to contact civilization so that there’s nobody close enough to notice your heart race in excitement for your dirty little secret.
The world is yours, Misty. I mean, missy. Or mister. Whoever.
Upgrade Your Look
You have bodies?
Snatch everything off of them.
Sorry ancient Egyptians, but dead people don’t need possessions. Have you ever slowly, ever so tenderly, slipped a gold family heirloom off of a filthy rotting corpse?
The rush of digging through the dirt of the freshly made grave, inches from where they perished. Tension thick as you twist, over and over, hoping the ring will come off even with the postmortem swelling.
At this point, if you haven’t decided if you want to boink that one guy, after this, you’re going to want to.
Take a Nature Walk
If you have a day off from taking care of your group because you’re the only one smart enough to take the first aid babysitting course and they would be literally dead without you, take a refreshing walk in the woods to the blood-soaked fuselage you rode in on.
Recharge by blissfully strolling down the aisle of the wrecked plane and seeing the beautiful blood-red splatter. It’s like the passengers were telling the cabin how much they loved it, but with their insides.
Shame they couldn’t be here to experience the artisanal quality of their hemoglobin.
You were spared for a purpose. Now get back to your group, relish in how much you’re needed, desired, and build a punji pit for the prom queen, assault that teacher, and enjoy your stay in this delightful teenage hellscape.
Have a BBQ
What’s better than getting revenge on that bitch who was mean to you in high school?
Eating her.