Unsuccessful portmanteaux
MEMO from the International Ministry of Wordthings
Head Minstress Amy Keyishian
It has come to our attention that many of you are overusing the portmanteau option. Please be advised that we are limiting use of the portmanteau until you all get this under control. This means you.
To review, “black” + “actor” = “blacktor.” This is the Platonic ideal of the portmanteau. It takes up less space, it is efficient, it contains no internal caps, and it is pleasing to the ear. Please note the final bullet on this list: pleasing unto the ear, fellow citizens. Ugly portmanteaux are not helpful and are therefore an abomination.
Peruse this list of verboten word combinations and consider them with sober aforethought before bandying about this most precious and vital linguistic resource.
- Flow + chart ≠ flart
- Book + club ≠ blub
- Chardonnay + party ≠ chardonnarty (this will get you expelled.)
- Party + hardy ≠ pardy (are you kidding us?)
- Vaginal + atrophy ≠ vatrophy
- Cranberry + applesauce ≠ crapplesauce
- Peanut + butter ≠ peabutt
- Mango + chutney ≠mutney
- Elevator + operator ≠ elevoperator
- Canada + Washinton ≠ Canoshington
- CD + single ≠ C-dingle
- iTunes + playlist ≠ iTunafish (now you’re just off the chain)
- Twin Peaks + freaks ≠ tweaks
- Palpebral + fissure ≠ palprissure
Addendum A: These are allowed only if used ironically. If we can’t detect a wink, you must rethink.
- Granny + panties = granties
- Presidential + pardon = prizzardon
- Hogwart + nerd = Hogwerd = HAGRID REALLY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT
Addendum B: Verboten Portmanteaux of Celebrity Couples:
- Jared + Ivanka ≠ Javanka
- Brad + Sienna ≠ Brienna (just sounds like the most popular baby name at the trailer park)
- A-Rod + J-Lo ≠ AJ, RodLo, A-Lo, or any other combination
- Kylie + Travis ≠ Kylass
- Dev + Tilda ≠ Dilda
- Rooney + Joaquin ≠ Roonaquin (willing to reconsider)
- Selina + The Weeknd ≠ Seliknd
- Ellen + Portia ≠ Ellortia
- Goldie + Kurt ≠ Goldirt
ADDENDUM C: TOTALLY ALLOWED CELEBRITY PORTMANTEAUX:
- Jenny Slate + Jon Hamm = Slamm (OBVIOUSLY HOLY GOD IS THIS A THING?!)
- Beyoncé + Jay = BeyJay (WHAT WHY HAS THIS NOT BEEN DONE BEFORE NOW)
Please contact the ministry via owl or smoke signal if you have any questions.