Top 10 reasons I’ll never live in Los Angeles

People always debate LA versus NY for where comics and creatives are supposed to migrate to once they’ve realized it’s OK not to be an accountant. As an NYC native, I’ve only ventured to Cali a handful of times. Once to San Diego Comic-Con (where I did cosplay but  I will not disclose my costume, thank you). Once to San Francisco when I was so young I only remembered going to Alcatraz (it was cool).

However, I just got back from a quick trip to visit some homies and although the company was fabulous, I tried to look at the city of LA with a more objective eye. For those who may say this article is incredibly biased, you are so right. But who’s stopping me from writing it, Arnold Schwarzenegger? And, because I’m not on Cali time, let’s jump right into it:

1. I can’t drive.

I’ve heard every joke about my inability to drive so save it. (That’s New Yorker for stfu.) Maybe California would have been cool back when people traveled by horse and buggy, but driving is just a whack activity and a lengthy one at that. You mean to tell me it’s gonna take 4 hours to go to the cool microgreen juice bar? Not to mention that cars are so ugly to look at, like, let’s get some fun colors going so I at least have something to look at besides billboards for Ozark. I will say I do get a lot more punches in because of the number of Beetles, so I’m not a total hater. 

2. Beaches are… overrated? 

Now I do get that going to the beach occasionally can be a blast. I love to throw a frisbee and exfoliate my butthole with sand. However, beaches are generally overrated: Sex on the Beach is a delicious drink but a goddamn nightmare with double the crabs, sunburns are like hickeys from the devil and watersports are well, a hard no from me. 

3. Ads for Botox everywhere

I’ve never considered getting Botox before, mostly because it seems scary to not be able to raise my eyebrows when something casually surprising happens. However, considering how IN YOUR FACE it is to get things IN YOUR FACE, I’m sure by the second week I’d be looking like an extreme bee-sting victim. 

4. Angel Wings 

I get that LA is the city of angels but does every blank surface need to have angel wings on them? Overdone for a group of people who are socially atheist. 

5. If I can make it here…

The stereotype of someone moving to Cali with a suitcase and a dream has been around since the place’s founding. This was maybe charming back when a handful of people wanted to make it big, but now thanks to social media, everyone in the drugstore is an influencer. That means I can’t go more than 30 feet without watching a sad 40-year-old man prank his poor kids by running them over with a car. 

6. BuzzedMobile 

Drunk driving is something I never thought people actually did. Was that potentially ignorant? Yeah. But also why would you do that? Even during the daytime, I saw drivers swerving and screaming Don’t Stop Believing out of the car window. I get that Ubers are expensive but if intoxicated travel is such a big issue for you, maybe move to a place with good public transportation? 

7. “Health” Food 

Sure, the ginger cucumber water might make you look thin, but is shitting your intestines out worth low-rise jeans? 

8. Everyone is, like, so nice here!

People say Cali people are kind whereas New Yorkers are rude. This could not be further from the truth. New Yorkers are some of the kindest people you’ll ever meet. Sure, we may walk over a dead body in the street for multiple hours, but hey why are you even bringing that up right now? You’re the jerk, okay?

9. Hot Moms

You might be saying to yourself, “Avery, this is clearly a pro.” But I don’t think you realized the overwhelming population of LuLuLemon wearing size 0 even after giving birth to four nightmares: it’s astounding. How do they all look 16?? Must be witchcraft. 

10. The Vibe

People say Cali has a relaxed vibe. But when I was there, I was not relaxed. The fact that at any point, the trees near me could burst into flames. Paying 7 dollars for a donut. I was waiting for the train silently and a man looked me in the eyes and said “YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A JOKE, HUH?” Maybe NY is more fast-paced, but that fast pace means I can get a cheap bagel in 3 minutes and hop onto the express to exactly where I need to be, which is not the West Coast. 

For even more reasons why LA can suck it, check out this hilarious sketch by GOLD’s digital team, “Zero Bed, Zero Bath.”