Help! There’s a witch in my sand! #AskAvery

Dear Avery,

I know you’re not a chef, but I’m wondering if you have any advice on making the perfect, mouthwatering, show-stopping SANDWICH.  Something tells me you might be good at this.

Your Friend,

Wich Witch

Dear Wich Witch,

Sandwiches were invented by the Earl Of Sandwich, who was such a gambling addict, that he had his servants create food that could be eaten with one hand so he could continue to gamble while enjoying lunch. Though I’ve never gambled, I understand the value of having lunch on the go. As a city girl, I’m always bouncing from my couch to my bed, and need something quick, tasty, and between two pieces of bread. 

Good bread

What separates good bread from bad bread? A question philosophers have pondered for centuries. To me, good bread is the bread that comes in a paper bag and not a plastic one. Good bread comes from a store that sells other bread products and not also tampons. Good bread is always TOASTED. Personally, good bread for me has lots of little seeds that can get stuck in my teeth for a snack later. 

All about that base

Now that your bread is TOASTED (if it’s not, I will know), time to decide your base. I will say when I was a vegetarian for two years, it was more difficult to pick a base. So hard that I made a vegetarian exception to the greatest sandwich meat of all time: Boar’s Head Honey Maple Turkey. Boar’s Head, if you’re reading this, know I pray at your altar every night. Other companies have attempted to make a turkey this grand, and none have ever succeeded. So this specific turkey but this specific company needs to be on your sandwich, no exceptions, even if you’re vegetarian. 

Toppings Galore 

I’m the kinda person who will get a receipt for a sandwich, question why it is 15 dollars, then realize I have added 15 toppings. I want the sandwich so thick that it’s difficult to put my mouth around (pause). I’ll put not one but two types of lettuce, like a madman. If you only get three toppings, pick one crunch, one sweet, and one Avocado, obviously. Don’t discount apples on a sandwich to keep the doctor away.


The sauce can turn an amazing sandwich terrible if not careful. Consider the flavor profile you have created. Are you missing a sweet element like honey mustard? A spicy one, like a jalapeno aioli? If the sandwich is simply lacking moisture, don’t cancel me, but mayo can hit. Don’t think too deeply about it, it’s just aioli with worse PR. 

Okay, the actual most important part

Chips on a sandwich. If you don’t put chips on a sandwich you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. 

My Perfect Sandwich

Multigrain bread, Boar’s Head Honey Maple Turkey, Arugula, Sprouts, Avocado, Green Apple, Little bit of Red Onions, Balsamic Vinaigrette, Baked Lays.