Redacted Bossboy’s commencement speech (Full Transcript)

Good morning Graduates. Welcome. Friends, family, lovers, haters.

Before I start, I want you to do something for me. I know it might sound silly, but do it anyway. Close your eyes. Go ahead, close them. What do you see? Darkness? Colors? Okay, now open them.

I’m gonna keep things quick because I know that you want to get on with your day and you have 30,000 people who need to walk across the stage. 

I have been in your position. I know exactly what it’s like to jump into the unknown abyss that is post-graduation because I graduated 39 years ago–when the economy was much better and college was significantly cheaper. You’ve got the same questions I had: what am I gonna do for a job? How will I know when I’m successful? What if I fail? What’s next?

I’m here to answer all of these questions for you. As a marketing CEO for the number one women’s athleisure wear brand in America, I think you’ll find I have a thing or two to say that will affect you for the rest of your life. 

But first: A little about me. My name is Redacted Bossboy. I am 56 years old. I live in Connecticut with my beautiful wife and her two perfect children.

I also live in New York on the weekends with my gorgeous mistress and her cat, Chester.

I know what you’re thinking, what a perfect life. But it wasn’t always this way. I grew up in the suburbs of Connecticut with my gorgeous mother and her husband, Fred. We lived a simple life, but my parents tried to provide my sisters and me with as much luxury as they could.

It was hard for them: our lunches were usually a ham and cheese sandwich, a bag of chips and fruit. On weekends while most kids were at the movies or a park, we would be out of town – picking apples, or seeing a movie in a different city. I remember the first time I faced oppression. I went to talk to my college advisor and told him I was interested in going to Brown University. He told me, “Don’t you think you could aim a little higher?” I held my head high, I wouldn’t be dissuaded from following my dreams. Hey, write that down, that’s free life advice. 

So you want to be successful? Your number one piece of advice from someone who knows a thing or two about success? Be in the right rooms. Meet the right people.

For instance, in the summer after I graduated, my parents informed me we’d be having a soiree and inviting all of their closest friends, most of whom were industry bigwigs, heiresses to massive companies, and relatives who owed me graduation money. In just three hours I was connected with the people who would employ me for the rest of my life.

But don’t go to work right away. You’ll regret it. After securing a job that would wait for me as long as I needed and pay me to occasionally call into meetings, I jetted off to Bali, then Dubai, then Paris. On and on. I hopped around until the drugs ran out and my sister got engaged so I had to go home for the wedding. I figured then was as good a time as any to start work.

As you leave this fantasy world of drinking, drugs, and sex, you will enter into a much less exciting world. Try to stay around college as long as you can. Twenty years after I graduated I was still hanging around campus, checking in on the girls’ volleyball team and my other old stomping grounds. It’s how I met my gorgeous wife, and, later, mistress.

When you can’t be around your college anymore, either because you move away or they file a restraining order, keep the collegiate mindset. Drink on Tuesdays, take Adderall to complete minor tasks, and sleep with as many people as you want. One thing I wish someone other than my parents and school friends had told me growing up: Your actions will rarely have consequences due to your economic status, race, and gender. 

So, in summation of what I’ve said, life is gonna throw you a lot of curveballs. You’re gonna wake up some mornings surrounded by people you don’t know, drugs you can’t identify, and a thirty thousand dollar fine for public indecency in the Town Center shopping mall. In times like these, call your father. Thank you, and good luck.

Need some real advice after your graduation? GOLD is hosting a panel on how to find your comedy crew and jumpstart your career post-college! Plus it’s FREE! (Free events stop after college, so this is exciting!) You can register right here.