Help! The guy in my DMs wants to date me! #AskAvery

Avery Lender Jun 21, 2021

Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing info+askavery@gmail.com.

Dear Avery,

Hi, I’m a random guy from Hinge who follows you on Instagram. Nice boobs, btw. My question for you is: I wanna get to know you 😉 also why won’t you date me???

Love,

Your Prince Charming

Dear Prince Charming,

Wow, who would have thought I would meet my soulmate through this advice column. That psychic was right! Well, I’ve never done this before, but it’s very nice to meet you. So you want to get to know me? I’m assuming you’ve stalked my Instagram and zoomed in on that one bikini pic. That just means you have excellent taste.

At this point you know about my passion for comedy, cartoons, and collage. Which means if you got a C name, I already love you. My dating history? I’ve had one and a half boyfriends (the half because he said I was his girlfriend without asking me first). My body count could buy me a cheap Chipotle bowl and I’m not telling you if that includes the extra guac. My dream first date is laser tag, so I can win and you’ll know your place in the relationship from the start.

Why won’t I date you? Maybe the cowardice to not ask me directly is preventing my attraction. But you’re a mystery man, and I appreciate the support for my comedy career by asking me this question. You clearly know how to reach me. I get scared going on dates because the Jewish fear of getting murdered by a stranger has been deep in my brain for years. As a lover of dating apps, I can never swipe on someone too attractive cause they definitely are out for blood.

But enough about me, tell me more about you? Let’s say over a filet mignon I won’t eat because I’m vegetarian but always thought it would sound cool to order. Your treat, of course.

Love,

Avery