Help! My roommate is the WORST

Dear Avery,

SOS, I’m living with a roommate from hell. He seemed nice from the Facebook ad? But he always drinks my milk, never uses a coaster, and has loud sex in his room… which we share. How do I tell him to GTFO?

Sincerely,
RoomH8


Dear RoomH8,

Yeah, I see the challenge. It’s not like you’re my parents on my 18th birthday, and can throw all of his stuff in cardboard boxes, toss it outside, and say, “You’re on your own now.” Living with a roommate is like marriage. Sometimes you fight, sometimes you get along, and sometimes you cheat with your neighbor, Fabio. We’ve all been there.

But still. I’m assuming the house is where you’re spending 23 hours a day. You deserve to be happy.

My first piece of advice would be to confront him about these issues. Unless he’s an avid Ask Avery reader (in which case, what exactly is your problem with him??), he’s not gonna know you’re having issues with him. Take a page from children’s television and use SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING. “Hey look at this ad for coasters, they make the table look really pretty.” “I have contagious mouth herpes so I wouldn’t drink that milk if I were you.” “Hey, I’m going to the grocery store, FYI, if you want to have loud sex while i’m gone.”

If that doesn’t work, you now have a fun opportunity to be an equally sh*tty roommate. You might be thinking, “Avery, that’s really immature—why would you stoop to their level?” Think of it this way: You’re sharing that stoop anyway. Why not commit? Watch the Game of Thrones episode with the most bloody screaming the night before their Orgo exam or job interview. “Oh you want me to turn it down? Then start paying rent on time.” He’ll respect you, and also fear you, which is the same thing, right?

I hope this was helpful, as both my roommates are fabulous angels from heaven (they’re looking over my shoulder right now). But seriously, go against the advice and live with people you’re actually friends with. Cause when you’re singing karaoke on a Wednesday night dodging overdue gas bills, you’ll be happy to be surrounded by homies.

Good luck!
Avery