Comedians totally being their star signs


When writing jokes that make us belly laugh, comedians probably aren’t concerned with their sun and moon signs. However! We couldn’t help but wonder if these comedians were influenced by the stars. We decided to take a look at  some of our favorite comedians and their zodiac signs just to see if their jokes were ~totally Scorpio.~

Aries: Ali Wong 

(+ TRAITS): adventurous, lively, positive, passionate, versatile, courageous 

(- TRAITS): arrogant, stubborn, impulsive, indiscipline, confrontational 


“I can tell I’m getting older because now when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought is: fuck you.”


Taurus: Marina Franklin

(+ TRAITS): generous, dependable, down to earth, patient, independent, persistent 

(- TRAITS): stubborn, self indulgent, lazy, materialistic, possessive


“He’s young and white, so I’m not just a cougar, I’m a black panther.” 


Gemini: Abbi Crutchfield 

(+ TRAITS): Adjustable and flexible. Versatile. Enthusiastic. Soft-Spoken. Witty and very humorous. Intellectual

(- TRAITS): lack of consistency, superficial, lack decision making abilities, lack of direction, anxious


Bed, Bath & Beyond actually has this thing where you can rent an umbrella. It’s called ‘save the receipt.’ Reason for return? It stopped raining.” 


Cancer: Dulce Sloan

(+ TRAITS): creative, spontaneous, faithful, loving and protective, emotional

(- TRAITS): moody, pessimistic, clingy, overemotional, suspicious 


I was in New York and a married man asked for directions and I went ‘CALL YOUR WIFE!’ He didn’t need that.” 


Leo: Michelle Buteau 

(+ TRAITS): kind and helpful, energetic, optimistic, straightforward, loyal

(- TRAITS): headstrong, egotistic, possessive, dominating, impatient, arrogant


On meeting her husband: “So I met him, he got me drunk, I sat on his dick and fell in love.” 


Virgo: Jen Kirkman 

(+ TRAITS): watchful, intelligent, practical, analytical, reliable and trustworthy, modest perfectionists, 

(- TRAITS): over critical, fussy, fastidious, harsh, conservative, judgmental


“You have to think clearly when you get married, and you have to make a plan, because men die first.”


Libra: Melissa Villasenor 

(+ TRAITS): tactful, romantic, charming, just, diplomatic, 

(- TRAITS): superficial, detached, unreliable, lazy, indecisive


“I couldn’t walk into an apartment and be like, ‘Yes I’m gonna put my anime stuffed animals over there, I could put my ramen in this cupboard, and in that corner I could put my chair that I have meltdowns in.’” 


Scorpio: Patti Harrison 

(+ TRAITS): focused, brave, balanced, faithful, ambitious, intuitive 

(- TRAITS): jealous, secretive, resentful, manipulative 


“I want to make comedy that my mom will hate. The only thing she thinks is funny is Geico ads. The only way my mom will be proud of me is if I’m in a Geico ad.”


Sagittarius: Tiffany Haddish 

(+ TRAITS): straightforward, intellectual, philosophical, large hearted 

(- TRAITS): careless, tactless, impatient, inconsistent, over confident


I remember when I first started dating, I fell in love with this one dude, I loved him so much. I know I had to love to him because he didn’t have no good job or nothing.” 


Capricorn: Hannah Gadsby 

(+ TRAITS): practical, ambitious, wise, disciplined, patient, cautious

(- TRAITS): pessimistic, stubborn, shy 


“My favorite sound in the whole world is the sound of a teacup finding its place. On a saucer. It’s very difficult to ‘flaunt that lifestyle’ in a parade.” 


Aquarius: Lynn Harris

(+ TRAITS): friendly, humanitarian, intelligent, creative, independent, loyal

(- TRAITS): unpredictable, inconsistent, detached, stubborn, aloof, extremists


I’m from Lexington, Massachusetts. Yup, historic Lexington. Tough place to grow up. (In 1775.)


Pisces: Chelsea Peretti 

(+ TRAITS): imaginative, kind, compassionate, intuitive, sensitive, selfless

(- TRAITS): escapist, idealistic, oversensitive, pessimistic, lazy 


“Sometimes I feel like, if these walls could talk they’d be like, ‘Bitch you’re back in bed again?’” 


Additional research by Kristina Feliciano