Help! Do I try to seduce my professor? #AskAvery
Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing info+askavery@gmail.com.
Dear Avery,
I just started school and I’m really excited for this year. My classes seem super interesting and I’m excited to jump into my studies. There’s just one small distraction … my hot professor. Any tips on seducing your prof?
Your friend,
Teacher’s Pet
Dear Teacher’s Pet,
If I am being honest, I’ve never found one of my professors to be particularly attractive. I don’t know if I’m not into older men or just intimidated that they may be smarter than me. As a film major, my experience is that most of my professors are, late 40s, “couldn’t get my movie made” people. And that kind of jealousy for youth is not a turn-on for me.
But if I were to have a hot young teacher, or even TA, or even COMEDY teacher, here’s what I would do:
- Check to see if they’re married. Do they have pictures of their families or Lego sculptures in their office? Homewrecking is so 2007—you deserve a man* who at the very least doesn’t already have a spouse. Yes, I also mean go to his office hours. Because then he can tell you about his youth in the early 1940s and you’ll have something to connect on. (“No way, you used to go to the movies too?”)
- Turn in your homework on time! Unless you’re on a 1970s porn set, no teacher is going to punish you for not doing your homework. And it shows your dedication and loyalty to the class, similar to the dedication and loyalty you show in your relationships, wink wink. If he puts a little smiley face next to your 100%, you’re in.
- Sit in the front row. Sure, it may make you a more attentive student and you’ll get really good grades, but it also proves you’re not afraid to take risks. I mean, sitting in the front row is a bold move. I’ve only been able to make it to the third row max before getting nervous.
- Hold your hair up with a pencil and then release the pencil in slow motion letting your hair fall down as you swing your head back and forth still in slow motion and the music plays.
But seriously, please don’t bone your professor at least until you’re out of his class. Then it’s fair game. Focus on getting those A+++++s. Then you can worry about getting your man.
Love,
Avery
*I will take his identity to my grave, but I know a couple of details here, i.e., that the letter-writer is a gay dude.
