Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
So I’ve been seeing this new girl recently, and I wanna take her out for something special. My question to you is: DO BABES LIKE PICNICS???? I keep seeing them on Instagram but I don’t know if women actually like eating in dirt. SOS.
Wow, we’re getting specific with these questions now, aren’t we? The picnic has definitely gained popularity during the pandemic—and, I don’t know about where you are, but last weekend in New York, with mask rules lifted, the parks were PACKED with blankets and hummus and baby carrots and lots and lots of overdue hugs. Outdoor dining minus chairs, servers, and flower structures (why do all outdoor dining places have flower structures?)…sure, there is something fun about eating like our ancestors, but I’m gonna go with the controversial opinion that picnics are OVER.
Please save the hate mail. I don’t plan on getting canceled until my late 20s, so give me a chance to explain myself. I totally understand the novelty. The picnic basket will always have a place in my heart for being the most annoying thing to have to carry. Nothing like bulky wicker, am I right? And sure, I love an outdoor aesthetic and a nice spread. But I can’t help thinking about:
- The bugs and other rodents that will go to TOWN on your exposed food. If I’m spending 10 bucks on a hunk of Havarti I am not sharing with an ant.
- How does the food stay cold? If I show up with a box of bodega strawberries on a 90-degree global warming day, there’s no chance they stay cold for the 5-hour picnic. And then they get all mushy. I’ll make jam on my own time.
- LEFTOVERS. Who in their right mind is gonna take that mushy fruit home with them on the 3 train? Best case scenario, they make it to the fridge for a few days before hitting the compost. Worst case, attack of the fruit flies.
Look, if cavemen saw us picnicking after we discovered REFRIGERATORS, they’d laugh in our faces and then ask us what a juul pod is. Picnics are a relic of the past, a novelty of the quaint let’s-make-sourdough DIY dining era soon to be replaced by the joys of… all the new outdoor dining areas that come with chairs, refrigeration, and flower structures.
If you wanna take a girl out for something really special, I suggest laser tag, or a helicopter ride over the city, or just ask her mom what she likes.