10 Reasons I, A Human Woman, Enjoy Living In the Mariana Trench

Gwen Coburn Mar 8, 2022

1. The water is denser than it is at sea level, by almost 5%. Most divers have had to take extraordinary measures to withstand the oppressive weight. I, on the other hand, feel much freer since walking myself seven miles deep into the ocean.
2. Light from the sun doesn’t come within a thousand meters of these depths.  This makes for a very dark swim, lit only dimly by the glow of bioluminescence. In spite of this, I’ve never needed to carry my keys between my fingers here. I dropped them into the crevasse months ago.
3. The top predator in the Mariana Trench is the Snailfish, a small goopy fish with see-through skin and a mushy skull who has never once challenged me to name three albums by a band I like.
4. The Mariana is 180 million years old and still crushing it– it being the tectonic plates converging in her depths. Above the surface, male podcasters insist my “natural stock” is declining at the ancient age of 30.
5. Within the depths is the extraordinary Daikoku volcano, containing an underwater lake of pure sulfur. At around 700º Fahrenheit, it makes for a hot swim. Even hotter? I can fart without being called “un-ladylike.”
6. Have I mentioned how surprisingly nice the lack of sunlight is? There’s no need to apply mascara or worry about how much SPF is in my foundation. The only foundation on my face is a light layer of Polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), and my eyelashes have naturally darkened after a squid and I squirted on each other.
7. If you listen closely, you can hear a low-frequency “bio twang” echo across the deep. This is the sound of a new type of baleen whale. Marine biologists are unsure what the sound indicates, but I can tell you with 100% certainty they are not catcalling their fellow sea creatures.
8. The US declared the Mariana Trench a National Monument and protected marine reserve in 2009. I’ve declared abortion rights permanently protected here, since we’re declaring stuff.
9. On land the area of ocean containing the Mariana Trench is the “hadal zone,” named after the Greek god of the underworld who abducted Persephone. But down here we don’t believe in patriarchal myths like “Hades” or “The Friend Zone.”
10. In 2020 astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan– the first American woman to walk in space– became the first woman to visit the Mariana Trench and first person to achieve both feats. If she’s reading this, she’s invited to come visit me and my squid girlfriend for next year’s International Women’s Day. We’ll have brunch.

Gwen Coburn is a comedian who combines feminism, comedy, music, feminism, theater, and feminism. Sometimes she shakes it up, combining mental wellness and feminism. Her one-woman show, Sad Girl Songs, premiered at the pit solocom 2019 and can be seen at the upcoming women in comedy festival. Her writing can be found in many publications including Mcsweeney’s internet tendency, Slackjaw, and the Belladonna.