Help! Is it worth it to go to the frat party? #AskAvery

Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe).  Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing info+askavery@gmail.com.

Dear Avery,

I spent the past year thinking partying meant getting to drink a glass of wine with my mom at dinner—and now I’m thrown into frat row. My question for you is: what is frat party etiquette, and is it even worth it if I’m risking COVID, STIs, heartbreak, etc. 

Your friend,

Delta Delta Delta

Dear DDD, 

Ah yes, my old stomping ground. Frat parties have been around as long as douchebags decided to get large groups of women drunk, aka the beginning of time. Now whether you want to join a frat or sorority is a whole other situation, but let’s hypothesize that you are just out on a Saturday and need something to do. This is Choose Your Own Adventure: Frat Edition. 

First step is to figure out if this is a Darty or a Party (also known as Dayger vs Rager). A Day party normally consists of drinking from noon to 5 PM, and it is not for the weak. If you go to a darty, be prepared to see men during the daylight and not in the comfort of a very dark, very dank basement. Themes can go anywhere from white party (yeesh) to a beach party (let’s get these ladies in bikinis). 

No matter what, please don’t show up to a frat, at any time of day, without your closest ladies. Make a plan to STICK TOGETHER, or at least stay in contact. I personally am a big fan of the solo bathroom adventure, but I never venture too far from the group. 

Also, this may go without saying, but do not bring anything valuable, or wear anything expensive. You WILL be sprayed with beer, champagne, miscellaneous foam, vomit, fragrance samples, sweat, and spit—and that’s just the pregame. Frat Shoes are a pair of sneakers that you wear to destroy. Mine are so caked in dirt that I have to keep them in a biohazard container. I am not trying to gross you out of going—more mentally preparing you to never feel truly clean again. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Avery, should I hook up with a frat guy?” I am here to tell you NO. NO NO NO NO NO. The ONLY exceptions are 

  1. a) if you meet outside the frat and he wins you over through an exceptional personality and kindness and then tells you he’s the prince of a European country OR 
  2. b) if you are trying to have a make out on the dance floor moment and then move on with your life. 

If you’ve seen the movie American Pie, you know that frat guys will stick their dingaling in just about anyone or anything or anypie. I’d much more recommend men from: any comedy club, computer science major, or my roommate Evan.

 

Happy fratting! Get a COVID test!

 

Love,

Avery