Help! I’m turning 20-fun! #AskAvery
Dear Avery,
My 21st birthday is coming up, any tips on how to celebrate (without ending up in the hospital)?
Your Friend,
Twenty-Fun
Dear Twenty-Fun,
I remember my 21st birthday like it was only a month ago… because it was.
I was nervous about how to celebrate. In movies, the 21st birthday is the craziest night of an American’s life. This isn’t Europe, where they give you Guinness to chase breast milk. We have to struggle through years of filling up our parents’ gin bottles with NYC Tap water and going all the way downtown to get 3 loose beers with the shittiest fake ID in existence (not that I’m endorsing that, here).
However, as a girl whose favorite drink is a Four Loko Gold, and as a girl who gets drunk off of one IPA, I wasn’t sure how to justly celebrate this milestone. So for you, dear readers, I’m going to recount the events of my 21st, and explain what I wish I had done differently.
The Night Before
The night before my 21st, I decided to go to a guest spot on a friend’s comedy show. I would recommend NOT doing this. I never bombed so badly in my life, partially because the toilet in the bathroom didn’t have a flusher, and the person who walked in after me happened to be sitting in the front row.
After this major bombage, I went out to a bar with my friends. This was fun, however, I proceeded to get pretty sauced. Was it the shot I took after three beers (BEER BEFORE LIQUOR, YOU’RE GONNA GET SICKER), or was it the fact that I queued up four Marty Robbins songs on the jukebox? I went home at 1 am and proceeded to have the worst spins of my life. If you go out drinking at midnight on your 21st eve, do not expect to be able to throw back mimosas the next day.
The Morning Of
The morning hangover was not ideal. I spent my first moments as a freshly reborn 21-year-old trying to pull trig in my parents’ bathroom. Not very glamorous. My mom–who is very sweet–got me a breakfast bagel, which had to fight many demons to get down my throat. I do NOT recommend being very hungover when eating a birthday breakfast.
The one thing I desperately wanted for my birthday was a massage. If you’ve never gotten a massage before, you are truly missing out on an experience that no human being deserves but everyone should have.
As I laid face down on the massage table, I resisted upchucking my bagel, and simply enjoyed the sensation of getting my buttcheeks rubbed down. I HIGHLY recommend getting a massage on your 21st.
The Night Of
You may be asking yourself, “Avery, did you spend your night partying, hopping from bar to bar, and downing 21 delicious green tea shots.” Well, the answer is no. I instead went out to eat Chinese food with my family, which I strongly suggest you should do.
They gave us free Champagne, which was very difficult to drink but I was brave. And I tried a cosmopolitan for the first time, which I’m pretty sure is what Jesus should have turned water into instead of “wine.”
The Aftermath
Does a part of me wish I wore a crown made of shot glasses and a sash that read “finally legal”? Yes.
I ended the day drinking a Four Loko blue raspberry slushie (YUM) and drunk driving (playing Grand Theft Auto!!). My advice for your 21st is to enjoy it just like any other birthday.
The shtick of the elusive 21st is a little (dare I say?) overrated. Not saying you shouldn’t blackout and dance on a few tables. But just know you have a long career of drinking ahead of ya’, pal.
Love,
Avery
