Help! I’m Spring Broken #AskAvery

Dear Avery,

I just got back from a week-long bender in Miami. I did it all: rode on a guy’s shoulders at the beach, did a shot out of my friend’s belly button, and–wait, my parents aren’t gonna read this right? Anyway, I’m back at school now and just feeling drained, any advice on battling the post-spring break blues?

Your Friend,

Spring Broken

Dear Spring Broken,

Miami is a scary place in the spring, where college kids lose 70% of their brain cells in a battle against snoozing.

I have never been. I spent my break looking mysterious in Europe and rejecting French men. However, I sympathize with your lack of motivation for the rest of the semester. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t come back after the break. We would just do a super long summer, but I don’t think Biden will be chill with that.

So until we can convince him, here’s some advice on how to finish out the next few months strong, or at least with as little pain as possible. I used the helpful acronym: SPRING.

Suck up to your professors

Sucking up is the new playing it cool but with 99% more success. Sure, you could work hard in the first few weeks, but we both know that even basic math is gonna be a problem for a little while.

For generations students have been gifting their professors cookies, going to their office hours, and complimenting their blouses. Who knows, maybe you’ll actually grow to like them in the process.

Pretend it never happened

You’re probably having something I like to call ‘scaries.’ These are flashbacks of your past mistakes from your week off, and though your memory may be hazy, these seem to have a lasting impact. The solution? PRETEND.

“Spring Break? What Spring Break? I just spent the week studying and volunteering.” This way you can focus on getting your life in order and not marinating on the past (marinating in tequila, specifically). 


This brings me to my next point: Rehab. Your body has gone through the wringer over the past week, and it’s time for lettuce, lemon water, and chakra cleansing.

Pretend like you’re one of those Gweneth Paltrow moms who buy yoni eggs and meditate every day. I promise this detox will reverse the effects and you’ll be in fighting shape once again. 

Ignite the flame for education 

It’s time to go full Elle-Woods-studying-for-Harvard-Law again.

Take time to remember your goals for the future again. Fuck it: MAKE A VISION BOARD. It’s easy to get lost in the haze but after a few days of RNR, trick yourself into academia again. Buy a coffee, put on your cutest studying outfit, and then force yourself to be in that part of the movie where you get shit done. 

Negotiate with yourself

However, it is perfectly O.K. to cut yourself some slack during this transition back to being a functioning member of society. Skip the gym, do a facemask, and respond to only one email per day.

If you get back hardcore in the swing of things there’s a high chance of burnout. So yes, get your assignments done, but don’t be afraid to ask for extensions when you need it (see my earlier comments on sucking up to teachers, it really does go a long way and you’ve been meaning to try that new chocolate chip recipe anyway). 

Go off the grid

I know everyone and their step-mom has been posting spring break pics. It’s becoming impossible to keep up with the liking and captioning and storying. Now is a perfect time to throw your phone in a box and let it sit in time out for a few days. I promise your friends are not going to hate you for not thinking of a witty comment for their 6th photo dump. Take the mental vacation: you deserve it.  

Now go get those B+s sexy! Can’t wait to be degenerates again in May.