Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
I think I’m done with school. It’s time for me not just to drop out, but to drop off the grid. I’m running away into the wilderness. Any advice on what I should bring? Let me know ASAP.
If I’m being totally honest, I’ve never even gone camping before. I did some version of glamping where I lost my phone in the woods for an hour, only knowing it was close because it was connected to my Airpods, but that doesn’t really count. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. You need advice NOW, especially before you lose service. If I were running away, here’s how I’d do it:
First step is to virtually leave civilization. Delete your Insta, TikTok, and Tinder, after finding a mate to venture with, and throw your phone in the river. Make sure to have a civilization friend film it because it would definitely look cool and I wanna see it. Like does an iPhone blow up when thrown into a big body of water? I gotta know.
Then it’s time to pack your belongings. The things humans need for basic survival include food, water, shelter, and attention. Good luck getting the last one. I’d bring water and maybe Pedialyte because it is super hydrating. My mom makes me drink it after I have wine with dinner. Then you’re gonna need some food. I suggest bringing a granola bar because you can just eat all the fruit and veggies and hamburgers that grow on trees in nature.
You’ll want to say goodbye to the homies so they won’t worry and start a true crime investigation. Or maybe don’t say anything so they can make a Netflix doc about your disappearance and make a ton of money. If you chose to inform your friends of your disappearance, tell them all totally different things. Tell your crush you’re running away with a European prince, while your best friend thinks you’re going on tour with Beyonce. Any if they don’t believe you, who cares, you’re off the motherfucking GRID.
I hope this helps, and I’ll come meet you when I drop out after failing astronomy. God, I hate that film and TV majors have a science requirement.