Help! How do I get ready for the inevitable alien invasion?

Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe).  Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing BREAKING: Avery runs/hosts open mics Mondays at 7 p and Thursdays at 12 p ($5 for 5 min) at West Side Comedy Club. Come through and say hi!

Dear Avery,

This year has been insane, and it often feels like the world is ending. From wildfires to hurricanes, pandemics and being banned from Tinder, it feels like the beginning of the apocalypse. So my question for you is simple: What would you do if aliens invaded Earth? Ya know, just in case.

Your friend,

Bleep Blorp

Dear Bleep Blorp,

Ah yes, the age-old alien invasion question. I normally focus on dating apps or comedy but I’m happy to indulge just this once. I do believe the aliens are coming, and why wouldn’t they? I mean, no other planet has deep fried butter; I think we’re worth the visit. 

When the aliens come, we’re going to have to put our best foot forward as a planet and that means showing off the best the world has to offer. My initial offering would be a chocolate babka from Zabar’s, Billy Joel’s “The Stranger” album, and, of course, tickets to one of my stand-up shows. After the initial shmooze, it’s time for a tour of our greatest places. 

First stop, Amsterdam because aliens on magic mushrooms just sounds like it would be hilarious. Then straight to Salem, Massachusetts but only on Halloween because they would win every costume contest and feel appreciated. And our last stop is Japan, because I’ve always wanted to go there and it would be a good excuse for a free trip. 

So now that the aliens have seen what we have to offer, it’s time to give them a shot. That’s right: alien talent show. Broadcast live on television and streaming on Paramount+ (come on guys, give them a chance). I’d like to see a dance number for sure—I mean tap dancing with eight legs would be next level. Then they can show us all their cool weapons so we can steal—I mean, learn about advanced technology. Finally, a Miss Universe, but really universe-wide, so we can see if our earth ladies match up to the beautiful aliens of Planet ⋈⟴⠯𝌛✦♺☘.  

If we have time, I would also like to introduce the real space-men to Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, just to make those man-boys feel small.

And with that, it’s time to send our new BFFs home. (This is my plan: show them such a good time they think they are tourists, not colonists.) (Shhh.) (Also, send them with extra babka.) I hope this was helpful, Bleep Blorp (can I call you Bleep?)!