Help! How do I ‘figure out’ women? #AskAvery

Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing

Dear Avery,

I’m a dude, a clueless one at that. And my question for you is how do I properly love a woman? They’re just so goddamn complicated for my simple male brain. Any tips?

Snail Male

Dear Snail Male,

Ah yes! The day when a boy asks me what the hell is up with us crazy girls! I knew the day would come! And today is that day!

So, Snail, you want to know how to make a woman happy. Well, you said your brain is simple—that definitely wasn’t my editors—so let me make it super easy for you.

QUIT BEING DUMB. Girls are not “complicated,” unknowable creatures from another planet (unless we are, wink wink). I always get frustrated when men do that whole, “I can’t understand girls” thing. Imagine if your bro, Chad, for example, was in a bad mood. Would you go tell your other frat brothers that Chad’s “acting like a psycho”? No. Maybe you’d go up to him and say, “Hey bro, what’s on your mind?” Now replace bro with your girl’s name and BOOM! You figured it out. That’s IT. 

Treating women like some delicate overemotional mystery meat won’t do you any good. (We’re actually a filet mignon if we’re doing the meat comparison, which I don’t recommend.) Get off that high horse and ask her what she needs, what she likes, and how she likes it. If you ever picked up a copy of Cosmo by accident, you’d know they stress communication, and for good reason. 

If you loved egg salad, adored it, you ate it for every meal. And your friend hated egg salad, but you never even asked if they liked it, then you’re gonna be having a lot of awkward lunches. The best way to “figure out women” is to stop trying to “figure out women” and have a conversation

Also, people are about to be in the streets talking to people again. Dear readers, now that we can talk to each other without “waiting for the host” to let us in, let this be the summer of bluntness and save the trouble of mass miscommunication.

BTW, women also like little tchotchkes and M&M cookies and cartoons. Or at least this woman does. I saved you the trouble of asking for the last time. Now go out and mate or whatever.

(Honestly, you got this.)