Help! How do I become ‘pretty?’ #AskAvery

Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing info+askavery@gmail.com.

Dear Avery, 

I don’t mean to be vain but…how do I become pretty? I already have a great personality, obviously I’m hilarious and cool, but I want my inner beauty to shine, out. Any tips?

Pretty Please

Dear Pretty,

Well, I will first say thank you for the compliment. If you think I have the chops to advise you on physical beauty, you must think of me as an expert on the subject! I’m free for lunch this Wednesday, baby. 

But I digress. So you wanna be pretty, drop dead beautiful, turning-around-in-the-street-to-watch your-bodacious-bottom-waltz-down-it gorgeous. No problem. Got it. I am here to tell you exactly what to do. 

Step 1:

QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IT!!!

OK, sorry for the bait and switch. Stay with me for a sec. The way I see beauty is kinda through a pop culture lens (yes, I am qualified as a communications major). I think back to Egypt, where people would crush up burnt beetles to make eyeliner. How in the Victorian age if your face wasn’t powdered ghost-white, you were shamed. Today, pale is more of a fail! See the pattern here? Trends and beauty standards fluctuate so much with time—and now they do it internet-fast—how could it even matter? I like wearing bright colors, which for a New Yorker is not common. I often walk around like looking like the worst Where’s Waldo ever. But if it makes me happy, then screw all those black-wearing mofos! 

Which brings me to confidence (see my previous Ask Avery on confidence for more). Hate to be this girl, but once you realize we are just dumb little flesh sacks on a bigass rock, you realize how you can literally do whatever you want always. See a shirt you like but don’t think you can pull it off? Girl, there are literally scientists learning how to put chips in our brains rn, you can pull off that shirt. Crazy makeup, accessories, platform shoes, GO FOR IT, because at your funeral don’t you want all your adoring fans to mention your incredible fashion abilities? I know I do. 

I know I know, you were definitely expecting an eyeliner tutorial. But this advice I promise is more valuable. And I’ll leave you with this: never spend more than 7 dollars on eyeliner. Finally, a real tip! 

So let’s review: You’re already beautiful. Like so pretty. So pretty you can wear and dress however you wish. And hilarious and cool, which is way harder. You got this already.

Love you,

Avery