Wine Pairings for Your Movie Night, Based on Your Excuse for the Problematic Lead
You’re preparing for your big movie night, a film starring a known sexual predator, but you simply cannot pick a wine to serve. The coherent ambiance is everything, and somehow the bottle of Viognier you’ve been eyeing seems a little #metoo. Luckily, we’ve created a handy guide for finding a wine to pair perfectly with your reason for ignoring the Problematic Actor’s atrocities. When it comes to art, the devil’s in the details.
“He’s had a difficult time”
Pairs well with: Yellow Tail Australian Shiraz
Why it works:
Problematic Actor did Terrible Things, but don’t the Things He Went Through justify the Terrible Things and even the Horrendous Act? This cheap non-sequitur is vague enough to serve up in mixed company. YT Shiraz’s manufactured chemical aftertaste nicely compliments the tone of your chosen excuse. No complexity here, just strong notes of toxicity and a weird mouth-feel.
“I like to separate the art from the artist”
Pairs well with: Franzia’s California Rhine Wine
Why it works:
Art is the expression of the artist, so you’re supporting the Problematic Actor by supporting his art, but you’ve repeated this excuse so many times that it’s now a part of your identity. Pair it with Franzia’s California Rhine Wine, a wine that claims to be both from California and grown exclusively along the Rhine river in Germany. Both are fucking nonsense.
“That was such a long time ago. Have you seen ? It would be a crime to lose such talent.”
Pairs well with: 1965 Bordeaux, Widely Regarded as One of the Worst Vintages of All Time.
Why it works:
Age is important to you. When it comes to mediocre art by shitty men, that is, not so much when discussing the victims of the disgusting crimes PA has committed. Uncork a 1965 Bordeaux and take in the putrid nose. Forcing your guests to imbibe this rare, historic, and undrinkable vintage is the perfect accompaniment to your excuse.
“We haven’t heard the whole story, who knows what really happened.”
Pairs well with: Grape Juice You Left Open for Three Months in your Garage, decanted through a Moldy Aerator from Brookstone.
Why it works:
One tastes of gasoline and the other of gaslighting.
“People are complicated! What, should we just get rid of all art?”
Pairs well with: New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, 2017
Why it works:
Offensive AND bold! Your strawman argument is surprisingly aggressive, much like this 2017 Sauv Blanc which surpasses the “slight note of cat pee” standard and attacks your mouth with a whole goddamned litter box. An appropriate pairing, given that you are full of shit.
“Did you know he also donates to charity?”
Pairs well with: Bellini made with Flat Moscato and Draino
Why it works:
I feel like you thought this made something awful sound sweeter, but instead, it made something sweet sound awful. In both cases, there was no good reason to do this.
“He’s an asshole, that’s what makes him brilliant.”
Pairs well with: Red Wine Vinegar filled with Maggots
Why it works:
…You’re gross.
Gwen Coburn is a comedian who combines feminism, comedy, music, feminism, theater, and feminism. Sometimes she shakes it up, combining mental wellness and feminism. Her one-woman show, Sad Girl Songs, premiered at the pit solocom 2019 and can be seen at the upcoming women in comedy festival. Her writing can be found in many publications including Mcsweeney’s internet tendency, Slackjaw, and the Belladonna.
