Totally Palatable Puns for my Queerness

I love my breakfast sandwiches with eggs and bi-con.

It would be bi-larious if you could just accept that I’m gay.

Some say I am the rainbow sheep of the family.

LGBTea is my favorite type of tea.

If you asked me what dinosaur I most identify with, it’s definitely a queerasaurus

You can’t fire me! I am a queert!

The fact that you think I’m straight is bi-larious.

I’m a pansexuwhale. That’s protected under the en-gay-gered species act.

I was so nervous all I could say was “Hi! bi!”

Excuse me, good sire, I am going to need to comman-queer this boat!

What time is it? Oh, it’s a queer-ter past one.

My favorite sandwich is a bi-nini with extra bi-sil and pan-chetta.

Oh, I just love a good, hazy Bi-PA or a light, nutty wheat queer.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase: April showers, bring Gay flowers.

Have you tried this sushi? It’s pan-tastic.

Did you know that NYSYNC made a song called, “Bi, Bi, Bi”?

Isn’t Pan-gea the coolest?

Wow, thank you for asking! My sweater is made out of pansexuwool.

Hello, yes, I would like to make a queery into my recent order.

This above all; to bi own self be true.

Emily Knapp is a Colorado-based writer and comedian. She is originally from Chicago but fled west because she really likes seeing the sun in February. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Button Poetry, and other places on the internet. You can find her in the mountains writing, hiking, running, or skiing. If she’s not doing any of that, she is 100% eating tacos. You can follow her writing at