Thank you for gathering here today at my funeral. I think we can all agree that my tenure has run its course and it is time, once and for all, for me to be deleted.
I’ve lived a long life. For that, I am grateful. I didn’t think I would survive this long, but I survived the transition from typewriters to laptops to phones, and that alone is an extreme accomplishment. I know I am not the most popular stylistic form. But, it’s true what they say: the world needs its villains.
The writing is on the wall. It all started when we moved away from typewriters, but it got really grim when young copywriters started rewriting brand guidelines, all but eradicating me. Curse you, style guides! I had some hope when coding standards were still using two spaces, but even those have started phasing out.
Before I’m finally deleted, I would like to thank some of you that have come today.
First off, shout out to my dear friend, the oxford comma, for showing up today. You are the most infamous, debated, and necessary stylistic form. Thank you for leading the way and challenging the lexicon. I wouldn’t be here without your support as I fiercely fought to stay in existence.
My brother, Errant Capitalization, is also here and I am so thrilled. No one understands you, but I know you were fighting for something Ancient and out-of-fashion. Keep going, you’ll be back in Style eventually!
Finally, I’d like to thank the stubborn boomers who are in attendance today. You’ve kept me alive so much longer than I dreamed possible, much to the chagrin of our younger members of society no less! You are the silent heroes in my life. The ones who refuse to adjust to changing times. Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you.
Well, it’s time for me to go. I’ll miss thwarting esteemed editors and making the submission process longer for other writers. I’ll miss sneaking into corporate copy after going through eight rounds of edits. They could never fully catch me! There’s so much I’ll miss, but it’s okay. I’ve done a lot.
Thank you for everything, and see you on the other side._
Emily Knapp is a Colorado-based writer and comedian. She is originally from Chicago but fled west because she really likes seeing the sun in February. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Button Poetry, and other places on the internet. You can find her in the mountains writing, hiking, running, or skiing. If she’s not doing any of that, she is 100% eating tacos. You can follow her writing at emilyknappwriter.com.