Meet Avery. She has 8 years experience as a comedian and 7 years experience as a teenager—and she is here to A your toughest Qs about comedy, family, romance, school, and the meaning of life (maybe). Got a problem you can’t solve or a goal you need help meeting? Ask Avery by DMing @GOLDComedy or emailing email@example.com. BREAKING: Avery runs/hosts open mics Mondays at 7 p and Thursdays at 12 p ($5 for 5 min) at West Side Comedy Club. Come through and say hi!
I’m becoming an adult faster than I thought. I’ll be 16 in August! My question for you, since you’re all-knowing, is: What the hell is a 401k??
Oh yeah … A 401(k). Of course I know what that is. Just give me one sec. No, I’m not Googling it, I just need to stretch out my fingers before I start typing away the knowledge I so obviously have. I wish you could hear these knuckle cracks.
So you want to know what a 401(k) is. That’s easy, it’s obvious … WAIT, I forgot to get some water. How am I going to write this advice if I’m dehydrated? Dehydration causes four out of five bad advice columns a year. Just give me one second.
OK, got my water. Sorry it took so long. The ice maker thing was out of ice and obviously I needed my water to be freezing cold so I had to wait 20 minutes for the machine to make more ice. It’s crazy that we have that technology. That the fridge can churn out perfectly sized ice cubes and . No, I’m not stalling.
A 401(k) isssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Sorry, I fell asleep at my computer with the finger on the s key. All this work is making me hungry. You wanna get something to eat? I’ve been craving some tacos recently. Maybe we can discuss 401(k)s over dinner? Or not. Tell me about you, what makes you tick. What gets you out of bed in the morning?
No? You still want to know what a 401(k) is. Well, fine. Leave me alone to eat tacos solo then. I don’t even care.
A 401(k) is …
And we’re at the end of the article; my dinner is getting cold. Go Google it.
P.S. You didn’t really think I’d leave you hanging, did you? A 401(k) is a retirement plan (make sure you have a job first) sponsored by your employer. A little piece of your paycheck goes into a retirement plan, tax free. So if your employer offers it, TAKE IT and save for your future, baby!
P.S.S. You may not have a job-job with a 401(k) at 16, but you SHOULD look into saving now. If you open an IRA (Google it; you may need the help of a parent) now, and start saving even $1/month now, by the time you’re a pretty old grownup, you’ll be loaded! Because compound interest! No matter what, you’re a fucking BOSS for even thinking about this so early, and you’re my role model.