It’s pretty obvious that tattoos are commonplace. Doctors have tattoos, teachers have tattoos, probably hipster babies have tattoos of Frida Kahlo on their little baby forearms. So you decided to get one, too. But not just any run-of-the-mill tattoo. Your tattoo design was clever, unique, your idea and yours alone. And like any proud tattooee, you showed it off everywhere. All your friends ooooh-ed and aaaah-ed, complimenting your utterly original masterpiece.
Next thing you knew, a total stranger standing next to you at Riot Fest had your tattoo. “No big deal,” you thought, “It’s only one other person.” But the following weekend at Costco, it happened again: the cheese sample lady had your EXACT SAME TATTOO. And so, it turns out, does the neighbor’s hipster baby!
It’s time to face a harsh truth: most tattoo designs and images become a fad, and you now belong to a growing body of tattooees with the word RESPECT written across your neck. Well, don’t worry. There’s an easy remedy for tszujing up your tattoo so that, once again, it is as unique as you. Just identify it as a radically different piece, and watch as confusion works its magic. Here are ways to re-brand your tattoo:
Old answer: “It’s the flag of my hometown.”
New answer: “It’s the movie poster of my favorite art film, ‘Boise: City of Trees.’”
Old answer: “It’s a set of angel wings on my back.”
New answer: “It’s an homage to my spirit animal, the horseless unicorn.”
Old answer: “It’s a set of eyes.”
New answer: “It’s easy to see why you’d mistake them for eyeballs. In fact, they’re just my daily allergy tests.”
Old answer: “It’s a star.”
New answer: “I’m the sheriff.”
Old answer: “It’s my last name.”
New answer: “This is my tribute to the alphabet.”
Old answer: “It’s a full sleeve and/or pant leg tattoo of…disordered images.”
New answer: “Oh, this ole thing? It’s just ornate gangrene.”
Old answer: “It’s an anchor.”
New answer: “I can’t expect someone your age to know what it is. It’s a pre-historic Segway.”
Old answer: “It’s Frida Kahlo.”
New answer: “I know it’s a bit of a cliche now. I got it when I was a baby.”
Melina Saint Thunderdome is a graduate of Second City’s Sketch Comedy Writing program, but she enjoys writing humorous pieces of all sorts. Her influences are pretty varied: Laurel & Hardy, the Warner Bros. cartoons, RuPaul, “Girlfriends,” and “The Tick” are a few. Visit her Medium page for more!